Changing FOR Someone Verses Changing WITH Someone. Hint: One is self-abandonment
We were sitting at the dinner table one night, my four children and I, discussing a myriad of topics as usual when the topic of relationships arose. Given there are two teens, two preteens, and both their dad and I (who are divorced) are beginning to be open to dating, this is usually a juicy conversation. But before I knew it, it had taken a turn I didn’t expect. I found my “mom wagging finger” out, eyebrows furrowed, and discontentment directed at my 14 year old son. I was triggered.
What caused this minor fall out? This topic: is changing or asking someone to change to be in a relationship with you good or bad? My son believed it would be reasonable to ask a dating partner to stop drinking coffee, tea, or alcohol (obviously not alcohol at his age). He is still actively participating in the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints where these substances are forbidden for active, temple attending members. In his mind, if a potential partner wants to be with him or any other member, they need to change these habits. We had even been joking about one of his member friend’s dad being single and cute. To this he said, “Like if you wanted to date (insert friend’s name) dad, he would EXPECT you to come back to church.” Well, you can imagine my response.
Like Hell!
I was triggered all over the place. I know my son is 14 and is still learning. Biologically he is still in black and white thinking. But in the moment, it brought up a lot. Immediately my experience, and the stories of so many others I’ve connected with in the Post-Mormon world came to my mind (and other orthodox systems that require community conformity to strict standards). The pain, the Patriarchy, the rule of sacrifice…
I tried to explain that you don’t ask or expect people to change FOR you to love them. You learn to love them where they are. Then of course he got defensive and said – “You just don’t think people can change.” Then before I could breath, my finger was wagging, my eye brows were engaged, and somehow authority-by-years-lived-on-this-earth was also slung into the conversation by Yours Truly. He returned my scowl and stated as many 14 year olds have, “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSAND.” He went upstairs and I left to take his sister (and my agitation) to volleyball practice.
Once I cooled down and regained the ability to think with my pre-frontal cortex, I began to ponder “change.” Because I KNOW we change ALL. THE. TIME. So it’s not that I believe people shouldn’t change…
What is the difference between changing FOR someone and changing WITH someone?
I thought about my experience and the experience of those I’ve mentored, coached, and friend-talked with who have gone through a great mid-life unraveling. It’s largely triggered when someone realizes they’ve built a life around external social, family, or religious expectations. They became who they thought they SHOULD become, and then realized that path lead them down a dark personal hole of self-abandonment, people pleasing, and unhappiness. They changed FOR something or someone external to themselves, even starting VERY young.
This is how you end up changing yourself FOR someone…
When we are in our less mature selves, we end up making changes for other people subconsciously. Why? Because we are BIOLOGICALLY wired to do it! We try to anticipate what will make others happy with us or not, whether that’s romantic partners, parents, friends, or children. We filter ourselves. We give up things we enjoy or identify with, make ourselves small, we stifle our emotions, we alter our dress, our hair, our body. We change our ideas, habits, or beliefs. We make ourselves uncomfortable so other’s won’t be. Or we want to convince others to believe what we believe, behave as we do, etc. instead of being truly accepting. We want to fit in. We need to fit in. We want people to like us and BE like us so we feel OK. We want our parents to approve of us. We want our friends to think we’re cool or the school to think we’re a stellar parent. We want the person we’re dating to like us. We care about and want to try to control how we are perceived by others, and the outcome of our situations. It’s nature. In many ways, it’s “comfortable.”
AND… it’s stifling.
Learning how to bring the unconscious chameleon-self to the conscious to be examined and step outside “the box” (and allow others to do the same) is another post all together. But let’s just say you’re doing the work. You know who you are, what you like, etc. You have worked hard and developed a solid sense of self through experience, patience, and hard work. However, does this mean you no longer change? Like somehow you’ve “arrived” at Enlightenment and that’s all? Of course not.
What does learning to change WITH someone look like?
It begins with communication and boundaries. As you raise your energetic vibration you will begin to FEEL what it’s like to be with your higher self and stay there. Hopefully you will stop or rarely self-abandon. You will no longer over think what you say or do and will take other’s actions less personally. However, unless you are a hermit, you will still frequently find yourself IN RELATION with another individual, which mean you’re going to get triggered. Things will be said, feelings will be hurt, etc.
Since you’ve done the work, you understand it is your responsibility to express calmly and clearly (as possible) when someone has said or done something that has crossed a personal boundary. You keep your expression about YOUR experience, not all about what THEY are doing wrong. In doing that, you are now working WITH the other person to know you better, stop having to read your mind or body language, not have to guess what you want/feel, and understand how to have a better relationship with you.
Example. A well meaning partner makes a joke that hurt your feelings. You say, “Hey I was hurt by that joke.” Hopefully you’re in a healthy relationship and the other person seeks to understand your perspective by saying something like, “Oh! I didn’t realize. Can you explain why that hurt your feelings so I can understand? I certainly didn’t mean to.” Then you can explain your perspective. Now the partner has the opportunity to explain their perspective (explaining for clarity and understanding, NOT to convince). Now you are both presented with the CHOICE to CHANGE. You are changing out of a desire and commitment to love, grow, and understand another human being. You are not trying to convince them to change to become more like you, get in line, or strong arm them into a “correct” perspective. You create space for each other’s perception to be valid.
And even then in relationships, we may still have differences of opinions and our partner, child, friend, parent, or whoever may still hold fast to their belief. AND THAT’S STILL OK.
Back to my original story, that evening I realized something magical happening between my son and me. Although we had had a passionate discussion around our different perspectives and neither one of us changed our point of view, there was no disruption of peace in our relationship. There was only brief frustration and tension before it disapaited. There wasn’t any withholding of emotions, physical touch, or kind gazes. No one had to play small or change FOR the other to receive love. There was no walking on eggshells, no yelling or raging anger. We didn’t even need to apologize (although I could have apologized about the finger wagging because that’s just rude).
I got back from taking his sister to the practice. He came down the stairs, smiling his sweet smile. I smiled back. He then hugged me and said,
“I love you Mommy.”
“I love you too, son.”
And that, was that. I realized in that moment, my son was learning about co-existing in love, autonomy, and peace in dynamic relationships without conformity, self-sacrifice, or manipulation. And that is a beautiful thing.
All My Love,
REH
If you want to learn more about how to have healthy dynamics between you and your loved ones, reach out to me today!