My throat swelled. I thought of the days of being elbow deep in babies, my only respite was my sister-in-law’s house in the country. Long walks with my best friend and our strollers. The visits with our friends from college – the ones where we always ended up pregnant at the same time - so our large families were right in synch? The play groups, the Primary classes, the dinners, the birthdays, the holidays… All of this togetherness. This thread of consistency and predictability.

“Do you remember that?”

“Yes Grief, I remember. Thank you for reminding me. I will feel into that now.”

Early in life I lost myself. Then I found her and healed (am healing) her layer by layer. Now, I was losing myself. Not my identity this time but my ego…

Relationships are complicated, magical, wonderful, and messy. They are the mirror to our shadow. Most importantly the relationship we have with OURSELVES is the best gauge to know how ready we are for a fulfilling relationship…

Who do you see in the mirror? Who do you see when you are completely exposed, completely naked?

I am always amazed at how Disney gets it sometimes. Frozen II went deep for me. When Elsa finds her own reflection… And realizes… SHE is the one she’s been waiting for. She’s been waiting to step into her OWN power, into something new. That by finding and embracing who she really is, she is HOME.

Now have come to find the Divine is not only within me - but in you and in everything. It has been a beautiful and painful path to come into my own authenticity, integrity, and agency…

What we want can only come to us in the ways we are ABLE and WILLING to receive.

We proceeded to do two rounds of Event Havening. When reassessing the memory, as is very common, it no longer felt like I was The Main Character in the scene. This time, it was as if I was seeing myself in a way that felt detached, like watching a movie. I still felt sad, but I didn’t feel like it was happening TO me anymore. When she asked me to close my eyes again and get into the residual “sad” feeling, it was like my belly button was pulled in. “Ooooof,” I said, “It’s like I’ve been punched in the gut!” We decided to do some Transpirational Havening (using words not distractions) around “Punched in the gut.” As I proceeded to do Havening Touch and repeat, “Punched in the gut,” I felt my body release the energy as it ran through me and out in a shutter-y breath. Then another… Then… As is common with Havening… A memory surfaced.

I placed my journal on my lap and began to free write. As I wrote, I saw something immerge from the corner of my eye. I froze. I large, thick legged, gray spider was walking slowly on the floor straight for me. My immediate well practiced reaction was to grab a tissue to squish this critter before it could do anything crazy like…. I don’t know… Yucky spider things.

I was face down on my yoga mat, cheek smooshed into a puddle of tears, deflated. Utterly lost in not knowing myself, my purpose, and deep in the pain of years of self-abandonment, loneliness, and loss. I gazed through the glass backdoor at the rod iron patio furniture where my mother used to sit. A set like that existed at every house I had ever known with my mother. Then a bright red cardinal landed on the back of the chair. Suddenly I became aware of the song of the birds coming in through the windows.

I thought this morning about all that has happened in the last three years. I wept because I just want to take the opportunities her death has given me and become the best version of myself that I can even thought I feel like I’m still trying to figure that out. A child never really stops wanting to make their parent proud, even when they’re gone. In life she would have rolled her eyes at my hippie-woo-woo ways. But now, with greater perspective, I think she is my biggest cheerleader. Really, she always was.

We were sitting at the dinner table one night, my four children and I, discussing a myriad of topics as usual when the topic of relationships arose. But before I knew it, it had taken a turn I didn’t expect. I found my “mom wagging finger” out, eyebrows furrowed, and discontentment directed at my 14 year old son. I was triggered.

You can’t change the past. But you CAN BE the co-creator of your future.

“If you think you’re “less-than” when you receive, you feel like you are “better-than” when you give.” Enter the ego on a charging stag.

Rachael Ego Defense Walls going up: I give because I love other people! I don’t think I’m better than them! I want to help! I want to be what God wants me to be! I sacrifice because it’s the right thing to do! I don’t receive very often because I don’t need it! Others need it more than me! This can’t be right…

I wanted to share something today incase someone needs to hear this and feel like they aren't alone in divorce and self-reclamation process.

When you are working with a Breathwork facilitator, they guide you through visuals, and breathing into areas you didn’t even know your breath could go. This peaceful and mediative state is highly spiritual. If you are open, it is not uncommon to receive ideas or words to your mind that are specifically meant for you.

I was mildly perplexed when I heard in my mind,

“Be willing to let go of anything you love.”

Self-love. Self-care. Self-acceptance. Self-actualization. These phrases can feel unsettling for many of us from Mormonism or traditional Christianity… Good people don’t focus on their self. I was triggered because I felt like the right way to be was to focus on others, have no boundaries, be as needless as possible, caretake, give at nearly all costs, always be available for others, and sacrifice when asked by the Church. How dare these people be so selfish.

There is a fine line between gratitude and toxic positivity. Learning and digging deep into this difference is an extremely important step on your spiritual and/or personal journey, whether in the Church or not. This is because when we practice toxic positivity, we are actually not allowing ourselves to feel the negative emotions by DISTRACTING with the positive. We are in denial of or dismiss about how we are affected by a difficult situation.

I was reflecting about what I've learned and unlearned… and the road I've traveled since March 2020 when my life that was tilting, turned completely upside-down. I’m sure there is more, but here is what I’ve learned and unlearned so far…

When a loved one is going through separation or divorce, it can be a challenge to know how to best support them. I’ve come up with a short list of “do this not that” ideas that I hope might give some direction and clarity.  Even though my specialty is faith crisis, it has been my experience that a faith crisis can also rock a marriage, for one reason or another. That is why I feel like these articles on divorce and separation might be helpful to this audience.