When Life Puts You Back to START

You know when you’re playing a board game and you make that unfortunate roll, land on THAT space, or get bumped by an opponent and the consequence is that you have to move your player piece back to the START line? So frustrating, right? Well, what happens when LIFE puts you back to the start line?

“I can’t believe I’m at this place in my life AGAIN! I’m 47 and living like I just moved out of the house. I’m alone in an apartment, barely any furniture, and nothing but alcohol and milk for cereal in my refrigerator!” exclaimed a very frustrated client of mine.

From another: “How am I still here? I’m in a two bedroom apartment with my two kids which isn’t big enough for us. I can’t seem to get my feet underneath me. I can’t seem to thrive. I feel like giving up on life. I’m so far from where I thought I’d be at this point in my life.”

I knew what they were feeling because I’ve felt that too. That frustration, pain, and sorrow when you feel like the Game of Life has pushed you back to the ADULT LIFE BEGINS HERE line when you’re far from 20 years old. When you think to yourself,

“How in the absolute HELL am I HERE? How did I mess this up?!”

This came up again for me most recently when, after divorce and being separated from my kids for two and a half years, I was finally beginning to get settled in my new location and new normal. With four kids to take care of, I needed more money coming in but also a job that gave me flexibility to not leave my kids alone constantly, as well as continue to build my business, and both host AND attend spiritual based activities and women’s circles (yes I practice what I preach). But having not worked outside the home since 2006, I found myself frequently overwhelmed – not with the idea of having a job. I knew I was fully capable. But WHAT to do that also allowed me the time I needed to network and build my spiritual community. In a moment of panic one morning at 3am, I jumped online and looked for pharmacy technician positions. I had done that when I was 20 and enjoyed working with the intelligent crew of pharmacists and technicians. Now that I was settled in a physical location, I just needed to start moving in ANY direction.

Well, the call back came at the perfect time. Two interviews in fact. But the first interview left me with a feeling I didn’t expect. The interview went swimmingly of course. I’m a dream employee. As the pharmacy manager was walking me around the pharmacy area explaining the job of the entry level pharmacy tech, I looked over the scene and was overcome with,

“HOW THE HELL AM I BACK HERE?!”

I’m intelligent and clever. I knew I was capable enough to not only BE the pharmacist (as in capable with the proper schooling) but manage the whole damn regional chain of pharmacies! Not be at some entry level job at 39! WHAT HAPPENED?

I thought back to my dreams in high school. I wanted to go to New York City, attend Columbia, and be an editor and/or writer at a magazine company. Or some cool adventure like that. Maybe one day get married and have kids. But domestic home life wasn’t on my radar… Until at the age of almost 18, I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (WHY is a whole different story). I was actually TOLD by the missionaries teaching me, that Mormon women stay home and raise families. They didn’t REQUIRE me to believe in order to be baptized, BUT they showed me the Proclamation on the Family and essential told me – this is what God and the Prophets teach... So if you’re going to join, be prepared to get on board this ideology.

I remember crying over my dreams. The mind F*ck I was under was: you get your will in line with God, as told to you by his living oracles in order to be a righteous Saint. And I wanted so badly to be good. I wanted so badly to please God. I was already convinced that sacrifice equaled love. So if God required this sacrifice of me, I would do it. And he would bless my life, right?…

Fast forward to 39 year old me driving home from the depressing yet successful job interview. The emotions were running deep in this place in my heart, this layer coming up AGAIN for continued processing.

Rage. Regret. Sadness. Self-betrayal. Stress. Fear. Frustration.

All bubbling up again. I knew being in this place was important because it was teaching me. But more importantly, I knew I couldn’t STAY in this place of painful rumination, fear, and anxiety.

So how to dig out of the emotional muck?

Gratefully by this time I knew the steps to take and I’ll share with you below.

Get out your journal. Let’s do some writing…

All you have is NOW. Set aside yesterday and tomorrow for just a moment.

1.       What has life taught you so far? What were the lessons in your highest highs and lowest lowes?

All you have been through will give you experience. That sounds very Mormon which makes me cringe a little. However, it’s true. You cannot undo your choices. Staying in regret will not change a damn thing. So what have you learned? How has life shaped you into who you are today?

One of the lessons this experience taught me was: Investing in others before investing in yourself is a risky move because you can’t control other people. If you invest in yourself FIRST, you’ll always have something to go back to.

2.       What is ONE THING you can do RIGHT NOW that’s on your “must-do list” that’s running in your brain-background and stressing you out? (I call these my WOOSH- Weight Off Of SHoulders)

Maybe it’s fold that laundry that’s been in the dryer for three days. Maybe it’s clean the kitchen that’s been driving you mad. Actually LOOK at your budget and pay THAT BILL you’ve been avoiding. Schedule the appointment. Reply to the email. Plan dinner. If you’re really feeling motivated tackle something bigger like organizing your closet or the garage. Do at least ONE THING that will truly lighten your load. Also keep in mind that To-Do lists never end. Which is why it’s better to get focused on one or a few things instead of being overwhelmed by EVERYTHING. Also, do not be afraid to ask for help.

3.       What is ONE THING you can do RIGHT NOW to bring yourself pleasure/joy? (this is often where I find my inspired action over time).

Maybe it’s as simple a walk and do some deep breathing. Maybe it’s call your best friend. Maybe it’s just sit in the sunshine on your patio. Maybe it’s taking a drive (with gas prices do we even do this any more lol?). Maybe it’s write a poem. Maybe it’s sit in mediation. Go savor your favorite meal and that feeling of belly satisfaction. The only thing you have to do is COMMIT yourself to ONLY be in the moment for a short time doing something where you can get into the FEELING (emotion) of “ouuu that feels good. I feel good.”

4.       How and when can I give yourself time to “check out” and rest?

Very often when we are overwhelmed, it can be easy to ditch number 1 and 2 and simply disassociate from life. Watching TV for hours, eating or drinking without paying attention to our consumption, sleeping, or even (my favorite) doing little busy work but not the things that actually need attention FIRST.  I also struggle to feel justified in resting if I’m not on top of everything. Some of you may struggle to do anything period. I struggle with over-hustling but to the point where I JUST exhaust myself without making progress. For both of these ends of the spectrum, knowing you have check-out/rest time scheduled can help you stay present with numbers 1 and 2, and actually be able to ENJOY your rest time more instead of feeling guilty.

5.       Talk to a professional.

Talking with friends is helpful, but speaking to a trained therapist or coach is completely different. If you are struggling with depression, please speak to a mental health professional FIRST. If you’re working with or have worked with a therapist and think you need more bio-feedback emotional and body work, please reach out to me.

This isn’t a cure all but it’s a start, especially if you commit to doing this every day. Think of the momentum and power needed for a heavy truck to pull out of the mud. But without momentum, it will just keep sinking and will stay stuck. Finding ways to create traction is the KEY to moving forward.

You can’t change the past. But you CAN be the co-creator of your future.

All My Love

REH