From Lost, to Found, to Surrender
It’s a pivotal time for me. Life is happening quickly after lots and lots of circling movements. It’s interesting when you are standing on the precipice of movement when for so long you only dreamed of it being so… Knowing that everything you went through up to this point had a purpose, wasn’t circular but an upward spiral, and it is ushering in a new chapter.
A new chapter where you finally understand what it is to surrender.
In 2019 I realized how lost I had become. Not physically lost. Not even spiritually lost. But personally lost. This ego, this Rachael Harris, this personality. I came to describe the feeling of lost personal identity like being at the bottom of a long, dark well. I could see the light at the top, but it felt so far away. The walls looked steep, slick, and impossible to climb. My self-betrayal had lasted for decades. The unbecoming – or losing - of myself, the unraveling of individualism, had happened not all at once but one little bend at a time.
In Mormonism there is a story often told to youth about the temptation of the slow spiral of sin (gateway sinning if you will). However, it fits the process of losing oneself too. It goes like this. If you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out. The stark contrast will cause it to know it’s in danger, and it will jump to safety out of instinct. However, if you put a frog in room temperature water, and THEN slowly turn up the heat, the frog will boil to death.
I think that’s how we lose ourselves. It’s how we lose ourselves slowly to what others want for us, or what we think others want, or what we think we should want. It’s how we slowly stop doing what we love instinctually. It’s how we lose ourselves in relationships (romantic or familial or both). It’s how we become more concerned with feeling “normal” and “safe,” over feeling ALIVE.
If losing yourself takes time, so does the process of self-rediscovery. It’s learning to love yourself first, which takes a great deal of healing and lots of pendulum swinging. It’s discovering dark corners that led you to your self-abandonment in the first place and dealing with it, facing it. It’s looking at family patterns. It’s looking at what you probably don’t want to see in yourself and in others close to you, while still knowing it’s still all OK.
It’s OK to feel whatever you’re feeling. It’s Ok to not get everything perfect or always be the “good guy” in your stories. It’s holding the AND space that sometimes we are the victim and the villain in the same story. It’s learning that no one else is responsible for how we feel. And you aren’t responsible for the feelings of others (fixing their problems or changing who you are to make them feel better about themselves is what I’m talking about. IMO you ARE responsible to be a decent human being) It’s allowing ourselves a full spectrum of emotions, even the ugly ones, and lending that grace to others too. Doing that while also knowing when it’s time to let go of ruminating on your story and stop telling it. Really self-love is the ability to look at yourself in the mirror and really LOVE who is looking back at you.
July 2023 (7 months ago) I had someone tell me about how she taped a picture of her younger self on her mirror and took time every day to tell her younger self how much she loved her. I decided to take that on.
As I sat down with the old box of photos (yes, printed photos), I knew exactly what picture I was going to put on the mirror. I knew because I HATED IT. Oh I hated, hated this picture! It was the depth of my ugly duckling years, 6th grade. My acne was terrible and the creams made my sensitive skin super red. I had a PERM (you all, round faces should NEVER wear tight curls EVER)… I was uncomfortable in my body… And worst of all, I had A LOT of terrible, mean things said to me. Especially from boys (middle school boys can be THE WORST). It was also a hard time for me emotionally. I didn’t know where I belonged.
Looking at his picture made my face burn hot with embarrassment. I wanted to DESTROY IT. Every copy. Instead, I put her face on my mirror. It actually took some deep breaths to even begin to tell her I loved and accepted her. I actually felt afraid someone would come into my bathroom and see her and discover SHE IS ME. She is that part of me that still feels like an ugly misfit. She is that part of me that fears the horrible, painful, mean words that others can say. She is the part of me that feels rejected by men she likes and feels like she’s never enough.
Everyday as I faced this picture, I faced the shame, pain, and embarrassment that would come up. I cried for what she went through. I told her it wasn’t fair that she felt so adrift without that nurturing feminine guidance that she SO CRAVED… But I was here NOW. And I loved her. Oh I loved her so much! As soon as she had a voice to speak and her feeling were acknowledged, the energy shifted. Every day I would tell her how much I loved her – and I meant every word to my core. I did that through the end of 2023 when I knew it was time to put the picture in my journal and close that chapter.
2024 started with some in depth personal inquiry, and a deep understanding things were going to start happening this year. In February I sat in a healing circle where the leader was talking about self-love. Having worked so hard on that since 2019, I felt, “I know how to deeply love myself. Spirit, I was lead here. What will you have me learn today?” The answer came simply.
Learn to let others love you as much as you love yourself. Let others see you. REALLY see you. This will be vulnerable, but it is the next step… Oh and keep using your voice (a needed constant reminder).
So I’ve been thinking about that since February. Today, in March’s healing circle, we were once again talking about self-love, using your voice, allowing your emotions, etc. In meditation I had a beautiful vision of being with my 20 year old self in her wedding dress. I’ve done SO MUCH work with this age, but as you can imagine, it never really ends. So I began stripping her wedding attire from her. I don’t know if I’ve admitted this in writing yet, but much of why I got married even when I wasn’t ready and didn’t want to, was because I was truly and deeply afraid that I was unlovable. Eric said he loved me. I honestly didn’t believe anyone else would.
So I whispered to her, “You ARE love, sweet girl. You are worth so much more than you realize.” And I held and blessed her body. I told her to love herself because after 1 child she’d never see that cute little belly button again. (I have to laugh even in serious work.) I envisioned her growing on a different path. One that was full of making choices for herself, following her highest good, and most of all, following her heart. Even if it was scary. She’d be OK because she’s so strong. Then something shifted.
As I drove home after the meeting, I was not fully in my body. Part of me remained disconnected and in “that Place” – the place where there is no ego or identity, time or space. My physical eyes saw the white blossoms on the trees going by and suddenly – I understood… I knew in a feeling of grounded excitement not dread… I have no idea what’s coming.
And I surrender to whatever it is. I trust Myself completely.
Early in life I lost myself. Then I found her and healed (am healing) her layer by layer. Now, I was losing myself. Not my identity this time but my ego. My attachment about what I’ve come here to do. My attachment to how I’m going to use my skills and talents. My attachment to how the future is supposed to look or what’s best for me or what I need to do. It’s really hard to explain unless you’ve felt it. Since 2020 my relationship with time has shifted. And today it shifted again. There was a timelessness in seeing those white blossoms… And the energy and symbolism of Spring.
I prefer to feel like I know. I like to have a plan. As a highly intuitive soul, I’ve always reached for The Knowing in that space. Problem is, it can be a way to bypass taking action or making decisions. Waiting to Know by guidance outside of yourself, even if it feels like you’re reaching to a Higher Power has in some ways handicap me into indecision. But today, I surrendered. I said to Spirit, “I don’t need to know.” And something went deep within my heart.
Absolute peace.
I decided to share this deeply personal experience with you because I heard Michael Singer say in his most recent book, Living Untethered, something like - “people just want to know they are OK.” That is something that seems so simple but it’s not. And I’m not saying I’m perfect or I won’t slip up. We can’t go around living in That Place because we would be too disconnected from the world we are being asked to live HERE and NOW. But can we keep reaching for the sweet peace? Can we keep sharp the skills we’ve learned and keep loving ourselves deeper and trusting even more?
I think the answer is YES. No matter where you are with your progression, which is often a spiral, know you are exactly where you need to be. Everything that’s meant for you will find you. And that which is not meant for you will fall away… once you’re willing to let go.
All My Love,
Reh