Deconstruction & Reconstruction: Leaving High Demand Religion
As I cry my way through episode 17 of season 6 of This Is Us, I’m feeling deeply into a pocket of grief that lies deep within my core.
How could this possibly be related to leaving high demand religion? Let me tell you…
What makes us all cry at the end of this show? Of course there is the attachment to the characters we’ve grown to love as we’ve watched their story unfold. But there is also the deep connection we have with our own family and this feeling of HOME. This story hits us right in the most sensitive heart space. It’s the cycle of life. It’s the safety of mom and dad (at least how it’s “supposed” to be), home, and other familiar relationships. It’s our wins and our losses. The things that went right, the things that went… well, not how we wanted them to go. It makes us feel into The Ideal… Something deep within us that wants everything “as it should be.”
I just got home from a lovely trip to the coast. I enjoyed myself of course. However, I was missing my kids HARD. I kept having this strange pricking at the corners of my awareness. I realized it was my friend, Greif, trying to get my attention. She had something to say.
“I am sad things are different now,” she said.
“What do you mean? We are here enjoying ourselves on a lovely vacation home on the beach,” I replied. “Aren’t you grateful for this opportunity?”
“Gratitude can sit next to me. She too can have a seat at the table. But she doesn’t get to take away from my voice...
Do you remember “before?” Do you remember when we’d travel together as a family and with other families? Before the world turned up-side-down? Do you remember that part of our life that we loved? We would gather in places like this with our friends and family. There would be mobs of kids, games, loud laughter, more food than anyone could eat (and yet we managed to eat most of it), and endless feelings of belong, community, family, and friendship?”
My throat swelled. I thought of the days of being elbow deep in babies, my only respite was my sister-in-law’s house in the country. Long walks with my best friend and our strollers. The visits with our friends from college – the ones where we always ended up pregnant at the same time - so our large families were right in synch? The play groups, the Primary classes, the dinners, the birthdays, the holidays… All of this togetherness. This thread of consistency and predictability.
“Do you remember that?”
“Yes Grief, I remember. Thank you for reminding me. I will feel into that now.”
And at the core of this previous chapter was The Church. This pristine looking life was The Plan. I remembered walking into my first sacrament meeting for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints when I began to investigate the religion at 17. I saw rows and rows of families. MARRIED couples. Siblings who loved each other and looked after each other. I saw men carrying babies and having emotions (over their feelings about the Church usually, but still). I saw women in sisterhood with other women, bringing them casseroles and making quilts. I saw human needs being met in ways I had never before seen on this scale. It was the same dream I now feel tapped into watching This Is Us - Idealized Life.
I was talking with my co-minister Richard Bowman after another successful Sacred Circles NC meeting this last Sunday. We were discussing the feelings of loss after leaving high demand religion. Unless you’ve been in it – unless you have been in a religion that touches EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE… You cannot understand it. It’s your friends, it’s your family, it’s your social outlet, it’s BBQs, it’s all your activities, it’s the professionals you seek out, it’s the Spiritual Compass in your mind, it’s the sports groups you join, it’s the places you frequent (or don’t), it’s the cities you visit, the movies you watch (or don’t), the music you listen to (or don’t), the food you eat (or don’t), the clothes you wear (or don’t), the books you read, the vacations you take. It’s where you put your time and your money, it’s the center of every decision. It’s you pre-mortal life and your post-mortal life - your very eternal Being. It’s the traditions and habits that run every aspect of your existence.
Then your world begins to tilt. You become aware (often after fighting it for a very long time, plugging holes in the dam until you run out of fingers and toes) that your inner compass is out of harmony with The Teachings you’ve been living and breathing by… When you realize that in many ways you’ve been asleep, living for some other reason than from your own personal sense of integrity – rather - you’ve been living for an integrity you were TOLD was correct (God’s watching don’t forget – make sure you follow the rules we tell you God wants you to follow)…
You realize you made MAJOR life choices not from your heart but from external expectation, frequently with pressure from people you barely knew, if at all (the leaders of the church you’ve never met but who get to weigh in on your choices like when to get married, have children, and if you should or shouldn’t pursue a career to name a few)… When you’ve done everything to follow the Plan of Happiness but there is a hole inside your soul. When you realize you made choices because you were “supposed to”… Because they were the “right” choices. You wanted so badly to love God, but you self-abandoned instead because you didn’t trust yourself. You trusted The Church. When you come face to face with the dark underbelly of the institution you devoted your very eternal soul to - and everything you lived by and taught… Everything that was your life…
Emotional vertigo sets in and you have to go through the process unique to high demand religion – DECONSTRUCTION.
Deconstruction is an excruciating process that cannot be rushed, and maybe like a lot of healing, is never really over. But once time has mended most parts of your aching heart, you find yourself missing parts of your old life. I found myself watching this second to last episode today wondering if I’ve totally ruined the lives of my children because as much as I wanted them to be born into and stay in that perfect Plan of Happiness, I was dying within its grasp and had to leave. I chose it (as a child myself still) wanting the best possible outcomes for my future family, but mostly for my own inner child. The one that felt this void that was left when my own family didn’t follow The Ideal…
But now I understand that I had to fill that void in myself. No person, no religion, nothing outside of yourself can fill those holes, even if they promise that they can. The work is an inside job only. It’s a self-worth, self-acceptance, self-loving job. Otherwise you are pouring water into a cup with cracks. It just seeps out because it cannot STAY within the container.
With all these emotions and memories coming forward, I miss the community, the families, the structure, the singing hymns on Sunday – the routine, the flow. The good parts. First you mourn (and are often angry at) the institutional darkness, manipulation, and deceit. But as you heal, you begin to mourn, REALLY mourn, the good parts too.
If you wonder why I have felt so deeply inspired to create a spiritual community, besides my absolute PASSION for teaching psycho-spiritual concepts, it’s because I know how satisfying being in community can be. There is a human need for structure, friends, and predictability. If the institutionalized need to control, the required homogeny, and the never-ending chase for God’s approval can be removed… Can we can create a community where the only “right way” is being in line with your personal center and having respect and love for others? Can we can create a community that seeks to give people space to be themselves, space to have different opinions even about the very nature of God? Can we give people space to ask questions or realize we don’t have all the answers? Can we learn to love people who are different than ourselves, people who have different paths, or who we may not understand at all? Can we realize that most of our judgement and frustration with others comes from our own lack of self-acceptance (three fingers pointing back) or a wound that’s being plucked within us? Can we rise to this high level self-awareness?
We certainly don’t have to be best friends with everyone we meet. But our ability to accept flaws and imperfections in others is a direct correlation to our ability to have boundaries, and accept flaws and imperfections in ourselves. How we learn to be in conversation impacts every relationship we’ll ever have. Being in community- true, deep, loving community isn’t easy. It takes introspection and communication skills many of us don’t get to frequently practice. It’s going to ask more of us. But I think – I really believe – if we can stick with it, we can build something different here. Something really special. In fact, we’re already doing it.
Let’s gather friends. Let’s co-create something great.
All My Love,
Reh