Into the Unknown
In December of 2019 I lay on the floor of my bedroom in Shenzhen, China, sobbing in the throes of deep, lung crushing despair. Something had changed in me almost a year previous. A deep, seemingly shameful secret that I had been repressing for 16 years had been revealed. It shattered my life as I knew it AND brought healing and repair to my soul all at the same time. An unstoppable force had been released and I knew nothing would ever be the same. It’s impossible to undo an Awakening.
But first, the dark before the dawn. It was like being at the bottom of a long, dark well… I had no idea how to get myself out. I felt completely lost, trapped, and stagnant. I had no idea what was good about me, if anything. I didn’t see in myself a single talent or skill that didn’t revolve around serving someone else. I felt like I had been living as a hologram for years and years. My sense of self was not shattered, she simply didn’t exist. But something inside of me told me that she once did. That she was still there, she was just lost in the darkness, asleep. A firm and hopeful voice entered the void of my sorrow and whispered, “Hold on, just keep holding on. Something bigger than you can understand has this all under control.” My first thought was, “Well what the HELL does THAT mean??” But that hope somehow infused into my heart and gave me the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other… And most of you know what happened three months later…
The previous spring Disney’s Frozen II had come to theaters in China. My Awakening had my whole family in a state of confusion, clinging, and resisting the changes that were trying to take place. In case you’ve never seen Frozen II or never thought deeply into the movie plot, let me explain how it is the perfect analogy for someone going through a midlife awakening…
Everything in Arendelle is peachy-keen. Elsa’s secret is out, they’ve had their near-death experience, they survived, and life seems pretty good… Well stable at least. Anna DEFINITELY does NOT want anything to change. She has large rosy glasses firmly planted on her face. In fact, she feels like things COULDN’T ever change, they are too perfect! The worst has happened already, right?? What could possibly go wrong?
But there is a problem. Elsa is hearing a voice, a whisper. Sure, she no longer must hide her secret… But something inside of her is calling her to something bigger, a greater understanding of who she is and her greater purpose. However, it seems completely impossible to leave everything she loves, break the heart of her people, and jump into the unknow just to listen to some whisper in her ear. She sings,
“You’re not a voice.
You’re just a ringing my ear.
And if I heard you, which I don’t
I’m spoken for I fear
Everyone I’ve ever love is here within these walls
I’ve sorry secret siren, but I’m blocking out your calls
I’ve had my adventure, I don’t need something new
I’m afraid of what I’m risking if I follow you…
Into the Unknown…”
((Cue me in the movie theater, bawling my eyes out saying, “Follow the voice Elsa! Follow the voice!” And my husband at the time, “Don’t follow the voice Elsa! Bad idea! Stay where it’s safe Elsa!” and my children just bewilder at the whole scene… Anyway…))
Eventually the whisper is so loud she can’t ignore it. It drives her to distraction. Surely there is someone out there who understands her, who might have answers to who she is. She decides to follow the voice.
Chaos and upheaval ensue. It’s a chain reaction affecting all the main characters, and even the town and the weather. Larger ancestorial secrets are uncovered. There is betrayal and loss of what felt so certain and predictable. Anna is shattered and distracted by her entire worldview being turned up-side-down. Her Truth is no longer True. Everything she thought she knew has changed (During my time alone, I often played her song The Next Right Thing when I was really struggling - it is such an amazing song). Kristoff is frustrated and confused because he can’t reach Anna in her pain and turmoil. And let’s not even DISCUSS what happens to Olaf…
Elsa’s journey is long and fraught with challenges. She is determined that this voice is leading her to something outside of herself. She keeps hoping she will find the person to give her the answers…
When she reaches the place she thinks the answers will be found, she sings…
“I have always been a fortress
Cold secrets deep inside
You have secrets, too
But you don't have to hide
Show yourself
I'm dying to meet you
Show yourself
It's your turn
Are you the one I've been looking for
All of my life?
Show yourself
I'm ready to learn
I've never felt so certain
All my life I've been torn
But I'm here for a reason
Could it be the reason I was born?
I have always been so different
Normal rules did not apply
Is this the day?
Are you the way
I finally find out why?
Show yourself
I'm no longer trembling
Here I am
I've come so far
You are the answer I've waited for
All of my life
Oh, show yourself
Let me see who you are
Come to me now
Open your door
Don't make me wait
One moment more”
Then when she steps into the ice fortress she finds not her mother, not someone outside of herself with the answers… She finds her own reflection… And realizes… SHE is the one she’s been waiting for. She’s been waiting to step into her OWN power, into something new. That by finding and embracing who she really is, she is HOME.
When life seems dark and you feel far from center, remember, you have the Light Within. You always have!
If that feel impossible, try asking yourself these three questions:
1. Look back to your childhood/young adult life. What activities brought you joy? What skills came naturally to you? Why were your friends drawn to you?
2. Think about times when you were actively engaged in an activity, a job, or volunteer work, etc. where you felt happiness, motivation, and a feeling of success. What are the values in that situation?
3. Seek knowledge, growth, and tools from trusted sources. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You do not have to do this alone. I repeat this because hyper-independence is a sign of trauma (read that again). Counseling, coaching, books, podcasts, reading blogs like this – look for what resonates with YOU. But do not think you have to do it alone. There is no shame in this process, hard as it is.
Follow your heart and listen to that whispering. Look for synchronicities around you. Life is waiting to show you the way… And when all else fails, just do “the next. Right. Thing.”
All My Love,
REH
(Song lyrics from Frozen II taken from Google)