Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, What Is Self Love? Do I Have It At All?

Let’s talk about love!

This sentence may cause a myriad of reactions, depending on where you are in your life and how you feel. How did you initially react when you read that? What were the words that first crossed your mind? Who do you think of? What kind of love is conjured up?

“I wish I had that.” “I wish I had MORE of that (usually in long term partnerships).”  “Life isn’t a fairytale, Rachael.”  “Ouu lala YES PLEASE!” “I love my family.” “Ummmm yes love is satisfying.” “I’ve never had love.” “I had love once.” “Does the love that I want really exist?” “Love feels empty.” “Love feels full.”

There is a spectrum of feelings and reactions. I would gather that most of us really do WANT to FEEL love, no matter what your reaction was. So let’s get down to the heart of it.

If you follow any self-help teachers, you’ve probably heard them talking about how you can only love or be loved to the extent that you love yourself.

How does that land for you?

I used to think that was bull shit. I loved others MORE than myself – I would say - and I hung my hat on that. “Ha! WRONG!!! Sacrificing for another is love!” I would think…. (BTW – I was dead wrong. See my posts on giving and receiving because seriously that is a WHOLE other topic).

Let’s talk about what was really going on.

When you become an expert at suppressing your emotions, and then you hit a point in your life when all those emotions begin to be unleashed for processing – hold on to your hat. It can get VERY intense. If you refuse to acknowledge them, they will at some point MAKE you look (although you still have choice… You always have choice to change or stay the same).

It was early 2019. I stood naked before my large bathroom mirror, staring at my body. Anger welled up within me. I hated myself. I hated my skin and my face and my belly and body parts. Everything that was reflected back at me in the mirror, I loathed.  I wanted to scream at myself hateful words that I felt bubbling underneath my chest. I wanted to (but didn’t) cry and rage, scratch, and yell.

But it wasn’t really my body reflected in the mirror that I hated. It was my Self. I felt completely hateful towards every part of MYSELF. I was in full self-betrayal (still mostly unaware) and this was the only way the poison could make its way to the surface to be seen. Through the mirror. Through anger and rage and sorrow…

Why would I share this intense, horrible moment with all the Internet? Because I have worked professionally and personally with enough women to know – I’m not alone in these feelings. Men – you too.

Who do you see in the mirror? Who do you see when you are completely exposed, completely naked?

Although so much shame revolves around our own self-hate, we often hide it. Or we just hide PERIOD. We are so afraid to be seen, afraid to be known, scared to be fully ourselves, terrified we don’t even KNOW who we are anymore - that we dim into a shadow version of our true nature.

My husband at the time saw me all upset and asked why I seemed so upset. I told him how I hated my body. He got frustrated and said, “I like how you look. Why isn’t that enough?”

To all partners out there. Your love of your partner will never be enough. It will never be enough if there is an emptiness within them that only THEY can fill. Not you or anything or anything will ever be enough.

The reason for that is that her (or his) love of Self MUST come from within and is ultimately NOT completely dependent on how they actually look. They HAVE to learn to love themselves at their core FIRST.

Then and only then can your – or anyone’s- authentic loving support and admiration really have a place to land.

Let’s talk for a minute about external validation. When we lack self-worth or a solid sense of self, instead of a bright inner light at the energetic core of ourselves, it is like a black hole. The compliments we receive can swirl around the edge for a little bit, but eventually they will be sucked into the darkness and evaporate. When we have that black hole in the center of ourselves, it also pulls in everyone we love. Without meaning to (subconsciously) we are screaming “VALIDATE ME!” There is a love scarcity. Just like money scarcity (which I will talk about in another post). There is a plea underneath it all - TELL ME I’M ENOUGH.

The truth is: Nothing outside of our own sustaining light will ever be enough.

Side thought to chew on… Self-abandonment is a black hole which light can never escape. But did you know science has recently found that black holes condense particles so strongly that they break matter apart into its most elemental pieces? It seems (science is still figuring this out) that black holes condense matter so tightly that it break it down, and then spit it back out so that it can be created into something brand new…. Think about that for a minute. The way out of self-abandonment is through it, feel the squeeze, and then to go forward and create something brand new…

So… What can the mirror teach us?

Here’s a little help to begin to peel back some layers in this for you…

If you look in the mirror and hate – let’s say – your arms. Or your belly. Or your butt. Or your hair. WHATEVER. Let’s first agree that those body parts ARE JUST BODY PARTS and you’d probably give grace to anyone else sporting those same parts, right? So what is really coming up? What memories? What’s been said to you in the past about your body? What does that person represent to you? Who’s voice do you hear? What have you been taught as a child about who you are or who you should be? What is it that YOU really want? And what do you think is missing would make you happy? When WOULD you/it be enough?

These questions are just the beginning of what takes years of work to heal. Awareness is always the first step.

My current bathroom makes me laugh to myself. Without meaning to, simply because of space restrictions, I have one large mirror over my sink, and my full length dressing mirror on the opposite wall. So when it’s time to shower, I get to see all my bumps and lumps. No hiding in this bathroom!!

But now when I look at my fully exposed self, I see the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life. I love her so deeply that it brings me to tears to ponder on my love for her. She is my best friend. She has my back ALWAYS. I love her company. And this body? Oh the things we’ve been through together! Oh the ways she has protected me, taken hits that have saved my life, created, born, and fed children, been my receptor or pleasure and pain. She tells me about people and where my boundaries are…

I’m still learning to listen to her wisdom, as I had her silenced for a LONG time… But now when I look at myself in the mirror I feel…

Satisfied and love. Deeply satisfied and loved.

If you aren’t at that point where you can write yourself a love sonnet, it is my deepest wish that one day you WILL be. Because all of life becomes more beautiful and more impassioned once that light within you solidifies. Not only do you feel confident in the love you have for yourself, you can hold better space for truly loving others. And the love that others have for you has a grounded place to land.

All My Love,

REH