Letting Go of What You Love
I had never heard of Breathwork before spring 2022. Sure I had learned about use of the breath in mediation and yoga. I understood that most of us breath incorrectly and had been using deep belly breaths as needed during times of stress and anxiousness. But as I lay on a table in a dimly lit acupuncturist’s office, this experience of the true practice of Breathwork was all new.
The Healer I was working with, Martha Kestler, had been recommended to me by my good friend. After years of traditional talk therapy, my friend was finally breaking through barriers and limiting beliefs as she leaned into something she had previously considered “too woo-woo.” I knew Havening could do that. But this Breathwork… This was new.
When you are working with a Breathwork facilitator, they guide you through visuals, and breathing into areas you didn’t even know your breath could go. This peaceful and mediative state is highly spiritual. The veil (yes I’ll borrow that term) is thin. If you are open, it is not uncommon to receive guidance for your journey through your mind.
I was mildly perplexed when I heard in my mind,
“Be willing to let go of anything you love.”
Can I tell you, this is NOT the message one wants to hear when seeking spiritual revelation for one’s journey. At this point, with all I had been through since 2019, I THOUGHT I was a master of letting go.
Ha… Ha… Ha…
Here’s the rub. We often have these lessons and really want them to be like a check list. Like – OK I let go of all this stuff that was inauthentic, that limited me, even though it was really freaking hard. CHECK! Ready to never have to do that again!
Nope. Not how it works.
This fall I have felt the pinnacle of this this lesson, and it’s been all around me. Letting go happens in layers. And once the outside is stripped, it’s time for the inside. It was time to put my people pleaser in the fiery furnace for once and for all – to stand in my power and risk the outcome not being what I hope but never again to be taken advantage of when I decided to not negotiate the contract on my house. It was time to find my voice and have hard conversations with my ex over our divorce paperwork (and HOUND my lawyer to get it written up even though that makes me VERY uncomfortable). It was time to release beloved material items. It was time to sell my mom’s house that had been my healing cocoon. It was time to forgive AND thank my Mother (again). It was time to feel the sting of seeing cherished household items and traditions in my ex’s house that were no longer mine (that may seem silly but anyone who has gone through divorce where one spouse keeps more of the house stuff and traditions -you’ll get what I mean). Saying good-bye to dear friends and places I loved. Releasing the pain from missing two and a half years of my children’s lives. Releasing my scarcity mindset, spending money like it’s hot to shore up my choices (around buying a new home and selling the old). Putting 400 miles on my car every week trying to balance the in-between two chapters, living in a suitcase and out of boxes. Having the pre-cancerous legion I had removed from my nose in 2018 come back right as I’m changing insurances. Moving to an new area where I know no-one and have now become a single parent to four…
Releasing outcome expectations. Letting go. Letting it all go. All while not knowing for certain how ANYTHING was going to work out. And let me tell you, I was stuck energetically until I learned these lessons. I could NOT move forward for months until I was willing to let go of anything I loved. Any construct I had about how things SHOULD be. And it HURT. This is different then the lesson of sacrifice we hear about in the Church. That type of sacrifice usually involves sacrificing of the self. This process was the shoring up of the self. Sacrificing the Ego yes, but the willingness to surrender in order to grow not for anyone or any institution. But for my own highest good.
There were days where the phrase, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” came to my mind and I would reach out to my two best friends Sarah and Lesley M and ask, “But what if it DOES kill me?” The pain and the pressure felt so intense, I actually wondered how much my body could take. Like, can one die of stress? The pressure and uncertainty of stepping into FEAR had actual gravity around my body. It felt like the Universe wanted me to just sit there for a minute until my eyes adjusted to the dark.
Can you hold tight, even when you’re not sure it’s going to be alright? If that isn’t already a song lyric, it should be.
Maybe this is how Christ bled from every pore in Gethsemane. But taking on not only MY pressure, but the pressure of the world (if you believe in the literal story. It could also be a powerful metaphor about the intensity of the spiritual evolution of human kind. I leave that up to you). I knew suppressed grief over the separation of myself from my children the previous year had contributed to a physical injury that actually left me unable to walk. So I did my best to find ways to release the stress energy and the pressure. But the challenge was to drop into peace and gratitude and live in that space not just during morning mediation, but throughout the day. Sometimes I succeeded. Sometimes I felt on the verge of a panic attack. Perfection isn’t the goal, persistence is.
The lyrics to one of my favorite Christmas carols comes to mind,
“And in despair, I bowed my head. There is no peace on Earth, I said. For hate is strong and mocks the song, of Peace on Earth, good will to men.”
Life felt unfair.
I will link to a great version of the song here and below. The author of this song Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, experienced unmeasurable sorrow in his life. Through his trials, his creativity produced poetry, novels and work that will live forever and was praised by even royal courts at the time. But even his great successes did not save him from, one could argue, “unfair” amounts of sorrow.
“Good will to men.” What does that mean to me in 2022? It means love. Peace and love to all people. The heart of the meaning of life.
I think about how as we near Halloween in America, we are celebrating Death. To live we must be willing to die. In the falling of the leaves, the darkening of the days, we celebrate and prepare for the deepest parts of winter (in the northern hemisphere). But during the Christmas (I use Christmas generally and not religion specific) holiday season – the lights will begin to say – hold on. It’s dark and cold right now but have Peace. Remember even when it’s dark, there is much to be grateful for. The flowers will bloom again and the trees will gain their leaves. They know when to let go, to release, and so must we.
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth, give I until you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)
I actually love the Bible more then ever now that I’m not in the Church and I’ve always loved this verse. I think this great spiritual concept is something we must all learn. How can we take peace with us, not in the form of physical or even emotional security outside of ourselves, but security from within. That we allow our hearts not to be troubled or afraid. That peace that transcends and prevails through this wild ride we call life. To be able to surrender and be willing to release even that which we love, may be one of the greatest lessons we can learn.
I am hoping by Christmas to see some resolution to the old chapter in my life as I embark on the next. It certainly is ending with a BANG! I can’t wait to put up my Christmas tree, see the lights at night and listen for the seasonal bells – the sign of Hope, Peace, and Love on earth.
“Do you hear the bells, they're ringing? (Peace on Earth)
The light, the angels singing (peace on Earth)
Open up your heart and hear them (peace on Earth)
Peace on Earth, good will to men” (source: www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Casting-Crowns/I-Heard-the-Bells-on-Christmas-Day)
If you too are going through a painful change or shift, if you are opening a new chapter and feel strung between the old and the new - hang in there. Search for peace every day. It’s there, I promise. If you need help, reach out.
Together, we’ve got this.
All My Love
REH