Name Change and the Death of a Part of Me
I wanted to share something today incase someone needs to hear this and feel like they aren't alone in divorce and the self-reclamation process.
Today, after a very arduous (three year) divorce process, I went and changed my name back to my maiden name legally. I *thought* this day would have me dancing in the streets - LIBERATED! Not so much from the marriage, but from the lie - the deeply buried duplicity - I told myself and my ex-husband; that I was in love and wanted to be married at 20 years old. I wanted to want that. I thought I SHOULD want that. But I didn’t. I was told Temple Marriage was - The way to happiness! Any two righteous Saints can make a marriage work. As long as they are married under God’s True Authority in His Holy Temple and stay dedicated to the Church.
I tried to make myself bend to this. I wanted - or thought- I wanted it. Instead, after 15 years, I broke.
Today I find myself - a completely different person than I was 4 years ago when everything unraveled (or 20 when it all started)- and needing unexpectedly to sit with sorrow.
Although I've sat with this grief of self abandonment and betrayal many times, I will sit with her again today. I cry and hug and forgive the 19 year old girl who wanted more than anything to be loved (to be told she was enough), to have security, to be a part of a happy family, and to be good and please God, to have a Celestial marriage - even though she WAS A CHILD. She knew in her heart that the marriage was not right for her from the start. She bore children, one after another after another after another (and loves them fiercely) . She held every calling, wiped every tear, mopped up every mess - she depleted herself to nothing, trying to be everything.
She was a shadow, trying always to be enough for everyone else, but never enough for herself.
In my story, in the flash of a moment (what I later learned was a sudden and forceful Kundalini Awakening) in January 2019 all energy shifted. She began to die as the life of self abandonment she was living became utterly unbearable and physically painful to her soul. The deeply buried true self began to emerge and reclaim the ground we had lost. I had to go back to my 17 year old self, who I was before I joined the church and gave away my autonomy to The Plan of Happiness, address and heal her wounds, and grow her back up.
Somehow today as I break away from my married surname, it is like she has completely died. On paper, she no longer exists.
For some of you this may sound ridiculous- ummm Rachael you are still YOU. But for those women (or men) reading this who literally LOST all of themselves in their family, in their husband/wife, in the church, in their roles, in all the STRIVING - you know what I mean. Maybe it ended in divorce for you, maybe not. Maybe you’ve left the church, maybe you are still in but nuanced. Maybe it was sudden like my experience, or maybe it was a gradual awakening. But however it happened or whatever the outcome, something died and was reborn - your soul changed forever.
So to that girl barely a woman within I say, RIP young one. You ran a good race. You did the best you could with what you knew. You were acting from and responding to wounding - you didn't know better.
Rest now sweet child - I'll take it from here.
If you are going through a difficult time and need support, please reach out to me or a trained professional that you trust. You are not alone.
All My Love,
REH