Unlearning Toxic Positivity and 5 Steps to Healthy Gratitude That Will Change Your Life

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we often heard “count your many blessings.” We sang songs about it. We heard stories about early pioneers and people in terrible circumstances. We preached about it in Sacrament talks and likely gave lessons about it ourselves.

“Count your many blessings, name them one by one… “

Now that I’ve triggered my friends who have left the church, here’s another rub. That’s not entirely wrong! Gratitude, choosing to look for the good in your life, is a great tool to train your brain away from survival (looking for threats) and into thrive mode. It CAN truly turn your frown upside down.

HOWEVER, there is a fine line between gratitude and toxic positivity. Learning and digging deep into this difference is an extremely important step on your spiritual and/or personal journey, whether in the Church or not. This is because when we practice toxic positivity, we are actually not allowing ourselves to feel the negative emotions by DISTRACTING with the positive. We are in denial of or dismissive about how we are affected by a difficult situation. Or we are so uncomfortable with our own emotions, we project onto our families that we cannot handle their negative emotions, and thus teach THEM to stuff their hard emotions and put on a “happy face.”

Who has received this message in one form or another? Stop complaining, stop crying, life is hard just deal with it, don’t be angry, don’t be sad – DENY or DISMISS (this is the important twist) your negative feelings because this is how Heavenly Father wants it to be. Or this is “just life.” So be grateful. Be happy. COUNT YOUR MANY BLESSINGS.

Empathy doesn’t live here. I would venture to say the spirit of God or Christ (which IMO is love) doesn’t live here. Faith doesn’t live here. Compassion and understanding don’t live here. This also has a name – gaslighting. Gaslighting is essentially someone else telling you that your experience of a situation is not how you perceive it, is wrong, or misguided. (Which is another important line to distinguish between working with a therapist and/or coach who help us find awareness around our limiting beliefs but that’s another topic!)

Mad yet? Go have a breather and come back. We’re getting healthy here, remember. I know I was triggered when, at the end of my active church membership and when I first left, any time I heard a therapist or coach or podcast talk about gratitude. It took time to sift out the negative messaging and indoctrination of church (American) culture, from the new positive, growth-oriented messaging I was learning about. At first, everything in my body wanted to reject anything that felt close to that feeling. I was in defense, self-protection mode, and you might be right now too. Hang in there, it’s a part of the healing process. You could also be having these feelings if you are moving into a nuanced position with the church. This isn’t just for those who have or are leaving. I speak to my friends still active who are grappling with things they cannot unsee and a desire to create change from within. Keep breathing. Keep learning. You’ve got this.

OK now… The good part. Once you’ve taken a moment to regulate your nervous system, lets talk about how gratitude can drastically change your life. Deep and meaningful gratitude doesn’t ask you to forget about, push down, or deny anything negative. In fact, when I’m struggling emotionally, I often look at all the things that are going wrong first. Truly I’m not kidding. I free rant in my journal, an awakened friend’s listening ear (who understands the process and won’t try to fix it or take it on themselves as their problem), or my coach (bless him, he gets a lot of words from me) – or sometimes I need all three!

Get. It. Out.

That is Step ONE. If it’s in your head, it’s in your body. If you notice feelings of shame coming up around whatever you’re feeling, write it out in a journal or a piece of paper that you rip up or burn. No one needs to see it, but you need to express it. Even the ugliest ugly. This can be EXTREMELY uncomfortable at first. It can even feel SCARY to admit these dark shadow thoughts. We often don’t express these shadow parts of ourselves because we are afraid they might be right or might have power over us somehow. The good news is that – they don’t. They actually have MORE power when they are unexpressed.

CAVIOT – I am not talking about serious thoughts of harming yourself or another person. If you feel like you might be a danger to yourself or others, please seek professional help IMMEDIATELY. Also if a suppressed traumatic memory surfaces, please seek guidance from a licensed psychologist.

Step TWO. Once you’ve gotten out the ugly, you’ve allowed yourself to feel the feels, take a look at what you felt or wrote. Do you believe it? Does it tell you something about yourself? I recall a time where I felt immense sadness and despair. I didn’t even know about this process, but my inner guide just said, “Write it all.” I grabbed my journal and a lot of ugly came out first about the situation…. And then about myself. I felt the blush of shame because my logical, well-trained brain knew those negative thoughts weren’t what a “good” person “should” feel about themselves. But I just allowed my pen to get them out onto the paper. Then when the tears, anger, and frustration subsided I was able to look at what I wrote. I laughed out loud. I did! Because I realized I didn’t actually BELIEVE a word I wrote! I felt so much relief! All those negative thoughts that had been gnawing away at my subconscious were not really MINE. They were the voices of my past. They were the voices of my generational trauma, my socialization, my culture. In that moment, they lost their power. Sure this is a process not a one stop cure all. But now when those voices and thoughts of “not enoughness” in all their forms surface (I call that voice Cruella), I know they are not ME and they are not true. I repeat this process every time I feel something unsettling inside of me. It’s interesting what can come up and it’s helped immensely on my journey to having a solid sense of self.

I wouldn’t be doing the process justice if I didn’t mention that one of the greatest ways to learn about yourself is to examine your negative emotions around other people. Yes, we can be frustrated with others because they might be violating a value that we hold dear. Other times, however, our frustration likely has more to do with US then THEM. But this post is extremely long so I’ll talk about that another time.

Step THREE. Take a moment to regulate your nervous system. This tool of uncovering healthy gratitude is a ride. It can be INTENSE. Find a way to regulate your nervous system that works for you. You’ve been in physiological reactivity, and you need to come back to center. Try physical activity like walking, running (try sprinting until you feel your lungs burn), free movement dancing, head banging to your favorite hard core rock band – anything that sits authentically with YOU.

Try noticing how your body feels. Can you feel the seat below you or the ground under your feet. Go stick your feet in the grass or sand or rocky ground. How does the air feel on your skin? Is your blanket snuggly? Are their birds chirping? Can you put on a mediation on your phone and do some deep belly breaths or gentle swaying? Maybe a soak in a hot tub with some Epson salt. Get creative here. This is about YOU connecting with the present moment and allowing that energy to leave your body.

Step FOUR. Once you’ve had an emotional and energetic release, it’s time for your mind to teach you. This is where the practice of mediation and mindfulness can be very helpful. The more you practice, the faster you can drop into this quiet mental state. Sit or lay somewhere comfortable. If you wish to put on some music, do it. In fact I encourage it. Breathe deeply and try to clear your mind by allowing thoughts around stress, chatter, or to-dos to slip away.

Sit with an intention to know gratitude. See what bubbles up but do not force anything. If more sadness or frustration comes up, let it. This is deep work. Joy and peace often come after the acknowledgement of the pain and suffering, but there can be many layers. At this point you may begin to feel a rush of love and gratitude. It will feel like a well within you is bursting forth with goodness. If this is not your experience, don’t worry. This can take time and you may need to work with someone trained (Like me – I had to put a plug in y’all) to help you in and through this process. This experience of gratitude is in my opinion, a true feeling of spiritual love. And the deeper you can love and have gratitude towards yourself and your life experience, the deeper you can feel gratitude and love for everything and everybody around you.

Step FIVE. Look for even tiny miracles in your life. We are wired for survival and thus in a very primal way look for threats. It takes training your brain to look for the goodness, especially in times of trial. Don’t brush off even little things. One day I felt like everything was going wrong. I needed to put air in the tires of my car. I had been putting it off too long. I finally found a gas station and the air pump took only quarters. Who has a purse full of change any more?? I felt like crying. It was THAT kind of day. But I remembered the week before I had found a quarter on the ground and had eagerly picked it up, “Ouu a quarter!” Maybe I did have quarters. I opened my purse. I had exactly 6 quarters. Just enough. And in that little moment entered the gratitude.

I could have blown it off, “Well it’s about TIME something went right today!” That would have been easy to do. But since I’ve learned about gratitude, I just took a moment to sit with that feeling welling up from deep within. I allowed myself to feel supported even in the tiniest of ways. I didn’t thank God that he blessed me with quarters. It wasn’t an external feeling or thank goodness I behaved righteously enough and did all the right things in order to be blessed today. I didn’t use the situation to validate myself or prove God’s love or my worth. It was just simple love and knowing that a small miracle happened during a very hard day. I felt grateful for the experience. The WHOLE experience. The good and the bad that day had to offer. If the day hadn’t been so challenging, this little miracle may not have seemed at all significant.

I think I understand a little deeper where God said to Moses in Exodus 3:14, “I Am that I Am…” Gratitude doesn’t meaning make. It doesn’t compare or lift up. It just IS that it IS.

Authentic goodness and gratitude happen when we pause to look, acknowledge, and feel. We are all one. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all on this journey together.

If you would like help on your journey, reach out. This is the focus of my healing program, IBEAR - Intentional Body and Emotional Actualization and Reconciliation. We bear a lot in our mind, body, and soul. But you are not alone. Together, we’ve got this. Together, we thrive.

Steps to Healthy Gratitude that Will Change Your Life

1.       Get it out. There is no shame in having negative emotions

2.       Reflect on your words and emotions. There is something for you to learn about yourself

3.       Take a minute to regulate your nervous system

4.       Begin to allow the good things to come up to your mind without forcing them

5.       Believe that you are worthy of miracles and look for them throughout your day. Recognizing the good will help you feel grounded during turbulent times.

I am grateful for all of you who took time to read this. I hope you have found something you needed to hear today.

All My Love,

REH