What NOT to say to someone going through divorce

Let’s just clear the air here - divorce stinks. It’s terrible. It’s not the “easy way out." It’s devastating and those going through it deserve to be treated with compassion and care, not as social lepers or failures. This is not to chastise anyone in a supporting role, but to bring awareness on how your attempts to be helpful may be backfiring. After my own experiences and talking with several of my divorced friends, I’ve come up with a list of statements that are commonly said, but are NOT helpful to someone experiencing divorce. If you find yourself tempted to say one of the following comments or something similar, take a pause and think before you speak. I’m also posting: Do’s and Don’ts to Supporting a Loved One Through Separation/Divorce for ideas of what to do instead.

“It’s for the better.”

o Even if you feel like this is true, to the person mourning the death of their marriage, this is not comforting, especially in the depts of grief. One day they may see what you see – but when and IF they do is not up to you.

“I never liked him/her anyway.”

o   In the early stages of mourning, this statement can bring on feelings of shame, grief, and lost time around one’s past choices that doesn’t help to alleviate their suffering. It’s a shallow way to try to avoid really being with someone in their pain.

o   Later in the cycle of healing, expressing sincere viewpoints (I thought he/she wasn’t the best match for you, I wanted more for you, I didn’t like how he/she spoke to you, etc.) in an honest way might be helpful and validating. But just wait until they are ready and able to hear it.

“Have you tried couples therapy?”

o   Just assume yes. This immediately makes someone feel defensive.

o   Also remember it takes TWO people willing and wanting to do the work. You don’t know the whole situation, and they are not obligated to tell you.  

“Have you considered staying for the children?”

o  Eee-gads, have you considered stabbing them in the heart? They have already thought about this, I promise. Divorcing often feels like failing in life and family, at least initially. No one needs the reminder of how hard it’s going to be on their children.

o In Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed, she says it perfectly. She tells the reader about the moment when she realized the marriage she was living was the relationship she was modeling for future relationships for her children. “Would I want this marriage for my children?” If the answer is no, I can’t emphasize enough the enormous weight of that realization.

o   Divorce doesn’t HAVE to destroy a family. At first it will feel like destruction. But the family can come together and heal in a different form. Parents can use this time to heal old wounding, change unhealthy behaviors, and overall become healthier adults.  They can become even better parents to their children than simply staying in dysfunctional self-abandoning patterns for “the sake of the kids.”

“Was it really THAT bad?”

o   There are often many dynamics in a relationship that are unseen and private. This statement can make a person feel very defensive because they feel split between defending their choices and protecting the privacy of their soon to be EX partner. Just don’t say it!

“You seemed to have the perfect family/relationship, are you sure you can’t work it out?”

o   Nothing is ever how it seems on the surface. In fact, the more “perfect” you look to others, the more pain there can be in the “fall” from the perfection perception.

o   Whether someone wants or doesn’t want to work it out, and why or why not, is just plain none of anyone’s business.

“Are you sure you want to sacrifice your financial security?”

o   Frequently in Mormonism the wife has sacrificed a career and has primarily stayed at home. Even if she does some part-time work, the difference between her career potential in the long run and her husband’s is ever divergent with age. When a woman doesn’t have financial means, she doesn’t have choices. Many women get into or stay in unhappy marriages much longer then they would have because of this very problem. This is a huge pain point. Please don’t poke it!

“We’ve had hard times, and we’re fine/we chose to work it out.”

o   Judging other’s decisions to re-enforce your own ego and choice is inappropriate. Period.

“You obviously don’t believe in marriage because you promised for “better or worse” or in Mormonism “FOR ALL ETERNITY.”

o   Not allowing for people to change and grow is very black and white, especially when many LDS couples wed very young and very quickly

o   We often value length of a relationship and commitment -for commitment’s sake - over quality and satisfaction.

That doesn’t mean that long term relationships don’t have depth or that couples who stay together long term haven’t worked hard to develop deep, meaningful relationships. That is not at all what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that length of time does not equate to either quality or satisfaction on its own. Long term relationships can stay shallow and duty driven for decades or even life.

o   There is also a reckless standard in Mormon culture that encourages quick and young marriage commitment to avoid sexual transgression, over the assessment of long-term compatibility (which takes TIME and MATURITY).

“When you divorce, you’re just trading one person’s problems for another. So you may as well stick to the first person.”

o   This statement is sticky because it isn’t completely wrong IF you are using divorce to run from dealing with your own issues. In that case, you will just run from one hot mess situation to the next because you are projecting the relationship problems onto your partner.

o   HOWEVER, for those who are able to HEAL their wounds and take ownership of their part in the problems, they significantly increase their ability for future relationship satisfaction. They have grown with their eyes wide open and now more clearly understand their needs, wants, and can have better communication skills, and boundaries.

“Have you spoken to your Bishop/Stake President/Relief Society President/Other church leader?”

o   Keep church leaders out of it! Ecclesiastical and lay leaders in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are (generally) NOT professionally trained marriage counselors. In other faiths this MAY be different. But *my opinion* (backed up by many marriage therapists) is that if the person with whom you are counseling is trying to KEEP YOU MARRIED over helping you both understand what the right course of action is for YOUR unique situation, then the institution is being honored over what is best for the individuals involved. Marriage is not something that is alive. It’s the PEOPLE whose lives, happiness, and futures are on the line.  

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Divorce is the death of dreams. It’s the death of the life you thought you could count on. It’s the loss of so much. It’s never, ever easy. Remember to approach your friends and family with COMPASSION, LOVE, and SUPPORT. Please see my article: Do’s and Don’ts to Supporting a Loved One Through Separation/Divorce for ideas on how to help and keep yourself healthy.

 All My Love Friends,

Reh