Do’s and Don’ts to Supporting a Loved One Going Through Separation/Divorce
When a loved one is going through separation or divorce, it can be a challenge to know how to best support them. I’ve come up with a short list of “do this not that” ideas that I hope might give some direction and clarity. Even though my specialty is faith crisis, it has been my experience that a faith crisis can also rock a marriage, for one reason or another. That is why I feel like these articles on divorce and separation might be helpful to this audience.
At the end of the day, the biggest take away I can give you is: respect and self-care. Respect their space and their process. Also make sure you are taking care of YOURSELF so you can be in a healthy place to support them. Never be afraid to reach out for help.
DON’T: Offer advice on how to fix it.
DO: Ask them what they need. Check in. Offer help in areas that you are willing to give assistance. Make sure you own your offers – mean what you say and say what you mean. If you’d much rather bring dinner or mow a lawn than watch children, make sure you set YOUR boundaries so you don’t build resentment.
DON’T: Ask probing personal questions
DO: Ask them if there is anything they need to talk about, and then keep what they tell you confidential. Allow them to tell you what they want – and remember that might be NOTHING. Check in on occasion. Keep letting them know you are there for them when they’re ready.
DON’T: Compare your marriage/relationship to their situation.
DO: Offer understanding, “I know a little bit about what you’re going through, but I know every situation is different. We’ve had hard times and it is really difficult. We’re here for you.”
DON’T: Be the telegraph operator to family and friends about “what’s going on with ________ now?”
DO: Respect privacy and boundaries. Assume the individuals going through the separation or divorce will inform WHO they want to know, WHAT they want people to know, WHEN they are ready.
If curious friends or family ask, responses that express boundaries such as the following can be helpful, “They’re going through some hard times. I’m sure they’d like your support if you’d like to reach out to them directly.”
DON’T: Burn-out and ghost.
DO: Be clear about YOUR boundaries.
Supporting someone through divorce can be heavy and draining. Family and friend relationships can begin to feel one sided. Be open and honest if you feel overwhelmed or need space, while also expressing your love. Encouraging your loved one to seek out a professional counselor may feel scary. But if they haven’t sought out professional help and are overwhelming their support system, it might be the push they need to get the support and guidance necessary to heal, while keeping their other relationships intact.
DON’T: Neglect your own needs for the needs of your loved one.
DO: Check in with yourself and make sure you are practicing self-care. If you need, seek out a professional to help you talk through YOUR feelings, navigate the situation, and continue to be able to support your loved one in the healthiest way.
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I hope you were able to have at least one take-away from this list. Remember, at the end of the day, mutual respect and self-care are critical keys. Neither you nor your loved one are alone. Seek the help and support you need. Together, you’ve got this.
All My Love My Friends,
Reh