The Art and Struggle of Giving and Receiving
There have been a couple turning points in my life where something has been said, time stops, and the words land HARD. There is almost an audible scratch of the record in my mind as if to say, “Say whaaaaaat!?” My chest seems to concave, my stomach knots, and immediately my ego charges forward on a battle stag ready to leap into defend and defense mode. This is also called: Being triggered.
I was sitting in an Art of Desire workshop for women in 2019 hosted by one of my favorite therapists and coaches, Jennifer Finlayson Fife. She stood before us, trying so hard to guide us to better relationships. What she knew and we were all learning (or was it that we were un-learning?), was that better relationships are IMPOSSIBLE until you have a better relationship with your SELF (sense of self). As a group of conservative Christians women (members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), this flew in the face of the programing many of us were swimming in, which she pointed out.
A “good woman” is self-LESS, sacrificing, loving to all around her, the matriarch, the giver, the support, the cheerleader, the active church member. She makes things happen for everyone. She’s the one you can count on to get you to the piano lesson, the laundry done, bring over a meal, and be the listening ear. She gives, she puts others first, and is praised for all her sacrifices.
Damn, I want to be her friend, don’t you? What a woman!
And THAT, my friends, is where I got my self-worth for years. It was problematic because I didn’t REALIZE it. So when she said this, it was a dead stop: (source Jennifer Finlayson Fife, Art of Desire Workshop)
“If you think you’re ‘less-than’ when you receive, you feel like you are ‘better-than’ when you give.”
Enter the ego on a charging stag.
Rachael Ego Defense Walls going up: BOLOGNA (I was very in the church and worked hard not to swear so, you know…) I give because I love other people! I don’t think I’m better than them! I want to help! I want to be what God wants me to be! I sacrifice because it’s the right thing to do! I don’t receive very often because I don’t need it! Others need it more than me! This can’t be right!
Call out the Calvery. I was on my high horse, certain this “therapist” was wrong. But inside there was a nudge. It was an uncomfortable nudge. It was the nudge of what I now know as my Higher Self, asking my ego to just…. Marinate on it.
With my wounded inner-child frowning face on, I continued to be open to the messages she presented at the workshop (there were SO MANY I wouldn’t really comprehend for a long time). Giving and receiving. Balance. Giving and receiving. Balance. What is it about this that bothers me? Marinating. Marinating. Questioning and staying open. This lasted over a year because let’s face it – sometimes we need life experience to understand it’s lessons.
Parallel to this, there was a female friend in my life that rubbed me the wrong way. This was very uncommon for me so it really bothered me. I judged her. I judged her HARD. I knew I was doing it, I didn’t like that I was doing it, but I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t stop. I judged her in the areas where she struggled and I excelled. She was a hot-mess-express and I had it together like I was “supposed to.” BUT WHY DID I CARE? Especially because she was never ANYTHING but loving and kind to me, which added to my guilt and shame over my inner feelings.
As the years past, I learned that when resentment and judgement arises it’s teaching us something about OUR shadow. I kept marinating on both giving and receiving, as well as this uncomfortable judgement I couldn’t seem to shake.
Then one day, like a lighting strike, the two concepts fused together.
I resented her because she was loved as she was, where she was.
She was loved by her parents, by her husband, by her kids, by her friends INSPITE of her struggles. She was loved in her weakness and in her need. She didn’t have to earn love. She didn’t have to be prefect or run herself into the ground trying. She was simply: worthy.
At that moment, the resentment broke away with the tears that ran down my face.
I felt a profound and deep love and reverence for my friend for who she was as a soul and a deep pain at the realization that I had resented her because I didn’t love myself.
I didn’t love myself because I didn’t feel like I had worth unless I was DOING for others. Giving. Having it all together. Showing other’s how it “should” be done. Receiving only when necessary. Not balanced.
My wounded inner child and ego were running the show in most of my relationships.
Wounded Inner Child: “Have I done enough to be loved? How about now? I’ll be everything, do everything. I’ll bend, I’ll change, I’ll be perfect - just tell me I’m enough. Tell me I’ve done enough and that I make you happy and that I can REST.”
Ego: “Don’t you see me? Don’t you see all that I do? Look at how perfect I am. I fill all YOUR needs. Why don’t you fill mine? WHY DON’T YOU SEE ME?! Why aren’t you there for ME without me asking? I see. I do. Why can’t you?”
It was a thoroughly subconscious schism in my body, soul, and mind. The poisonous chase of conditional love. There’s a million and one reasons why this unhealthy dynamic existed within myself. That isn’t important. What’s important is that it did, I did not realize it for a long time, and it was deeply harmful.
I could not feel love because I did not feel worthy to receive it.
The opposite side of this coin is being the taker. I won’t get deeply into that right now, but usually there is a dance between these two – often referred to as Co-Dependency. Both sides are driven by a lack of self-love, fear of abandonment, and need for control. The giver needs to endlessly give to feel worth (even in receiving), the taker needs to endlessly receive (even in giving). And yet it’s never enough because first they both have to learn to love themselves.
I can now say I’m in a completely different place. I still struggle (years of behavior doesn’t evaporate overnight). When someone offers something to me, I take notice of my instinct to say, “I’ve got it. I’m fine.” I pause. I Reflect. Then I respond. If I need something, I take a breath and think about who I can count on to ask. And then I ask. I still love to give. But I give from a place of esteem and a full cup. And if I can’t – I put up a boundary and say no. I am now frequently rider of the Hot Mess Express. And it’s not like I wasn’t before. It was just more on the inside than on the outside. Now I don’t WANT to be on the Hot Mess Express. But I have an inner peace that I’m doing the best I can, with what I have to give without going into personal, emotion, spiritual or physical debt. I try to live my life filling myself from the inside out - like rings around me - instead of the outside in. And that means sometimes I forget to tell my daughter to read her IReady assignments. Or dinner is cereal. Sometimes the things I thought mattered the most, I realize don’t matter quite as much.
If you are feeling some emotions coming up after reading this, I encourage you to stay curious. Stay open and allow life to teach you. Ask yourself and journal on the following questions:
How do I feel when others try to caretake me?
How do I feel when I need help? What emotions and thoughts come up?
Am I usually the giver or the receiver in relationships? (be radically honest here)
Does my role as giver or receiver change depending on which relationships I’m in?
How highly do I value my independence?
What visceral reaction do I feel when I hear the word needy?
Is there someone (or several) in my life that I feel resentment towards?
What bothers me about the people I listed in #7?
How often to do I find myself saying, “I’m fine, I’ve got it, I can take care of it myself,” when deep down I want help.
How often do I find myself asking other to do things I know I could be doing on my own?
How strongly do I feel connected to my own personal needs vs the needs of others?
How well do I receive gifts, compliments, praise, or promotions?
When I give, do I give what others want or what I think they need?
Do I struggle with decision making?
Do I struggle to invest in myself?
Only you can know if you’re being honest with yourself when you answer these questions. Be open to what comes up, even if it isn’t pretty or just flat out unexpected. We WILL run on our subconscious, learned behavior until we can bring it forth into the light.
Why is all of this important? I have learned and JFF teaches that you cannot have intimacy (into-me-you-see) which is deep love and connection with anyone – not friends, not partners, not children - until you can be radically honest with yourself. If you cannot look at yourself in love, self-worth, compassion for your humanity, and value where you are (even as a work in progress) – you will be forever chasing validation from the outside.
This is deep work. If you are struggling, please reach out to me here or here, or talk to another trained coach or therapist that you trust. It can be a very disorienting when you begin to realize the subconscious programing you have been running on is no longer serving you and is often the source of much of the dissatisfaction you are currently experiencing.
You do not have to do it alone. Nor can I or anyone do it for you. But together – together my dear friend - we’ve got this.
All my love,
Reh